Witty short joke Video

Oldest Jokes

1900 BC sumerian joke
“Something which has never occured since time immemorial;a young women did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

A 1600 Bc gag about a pharaoh
“How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? you sail a boatland of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

1000 AD British joke (oldest anglo saxon joke recorded)
“what hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? Answer : A Key.”

Witty Quotes

His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger
He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.
- Unknown
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams
If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
God does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien
She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields
He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx
Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman
Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe
The thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne
I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
- Ronald Reagan
He’s proof that there’s life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan
The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol
He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier
She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells
Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire
An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando
He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger
Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw
He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone
What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

30 Funniest Woody Allen Quotes

 

“Don’t knock masturbation — it’s sex with someone I love.”

“Love is the answer… but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.”

“If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.”

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

“I didn’t know he was dead… I thought he was British.”

“Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.”

“My brain? it’s my second favorite organ.”

“The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5′ 7″, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead.”

“Sex is only dirty if it’s done right.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like… making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

“The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty”

“Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.”

“I’ve often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness… is me.”

 

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“Life is like a concentration camp… you can’t leave without dying.”

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”

“Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”

“Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.”

“Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

Witty Sayings

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever – so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

Funny and Witty Ads

THE ENGINEER ON AN ISLAND

An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child’s toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. “I’m from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”
“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But, where did you get that rowboat?”
“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the engineer.
“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that’s how I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all this time? I don’t see any shelter.”
“To be honest, I’ve just been sleeping on the beach,” the engineer said.
“Would you like to come to my place?” the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree.
There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white.
“It’s not much, but I call it home.” Inside, she said, “Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?”
“No, thanks,” said the engineer. “One more coconut juice and I’ll throw up!”
“It won’t be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”
“No,” the engineer replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”
“Well if you’d like to shave, there’s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.
Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn’t help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
“You look great,” said the woman. “I think I’ll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”
As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown ashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
“Tell me,” she asked, “we’ve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven’t you been lonely, too…isn’t here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!
“Yes, there is!” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I’ve wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just…well, it was impossible.”
“Well, it’s not impossible, any more,” the woman said.
The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean…you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL.!!

Intelligence Test

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don’t scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tested whether you tend to do simple things In an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, Put in the elephant, And close the Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, Put in the elephant and close the door.  This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend….except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tested your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.. How do you
manage?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

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