When cover artists haven’t read the books

Stock Market ‘meltdown’ jokes

• ‘Assets are written on the left and liabilities on the right side. But, there is nothing left on the right and nothing is right on the left.’

 

• ‘Bankrupt allowed to return to their native place without ticket, says Railway Minister Lalu Prasad’; ‘Bankrupt to be given imported wheat free on ration: Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar’; ‘Stock market losses to be treated as tax deducted at source: Finance Minister P Chidambaram.”Assets are written on the left and liabilities on the right side. But, there is nothing left on the right and nothing is right on the left.’

 

• Markets are the places where two types of people meet up in the morning — those with experience and those with money. Towards the end of the day, they exchange their assets and go home.

• What’s the difference between investment bankers and pigeons? Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on Aston Martins.

 

• What is the capital of Iceland? £2.50

 

• What’s the difference between an investment banker and a KFC Bargain Bucket? A Bargain Bucket can feed a family of four.

 

• What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common?Synchronised diving.

 

• Deciding to surprise her husband at work, an investment banker’s wife pops by his office. She finds him behind his desk with his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!”

 

• What is Andy Hornby’s favourite chocolate bar? A credit crunchie.

 

• Recent internet rumours about previously sound Japanese banks in serious trouble include Origami (folded), Sumo (went belly-up), Bonsai (cut some branches), Ninja (still in the black), Kamikaze (shares nose-dived), and something fishy about Sushi Bank and raw deal in the offing.

• I’ve had terrible financial problems during the credit crunch, but I’m getting back on my feet again now. They’ve repossessed the car.

 

• The credit crunch is getting bad, isn’t it? I lent my brother a tenner yesterday. It turns out I’m now Britain’s third biggest lender

 

• If Winston Churchill were alive today, he would say: “Never before in the field of global finance was so much damage done to so many by so few.”

 

• What is the difference between giving £50 to RBS and giving £50 to a prostitute? Either way, you get no real interest, then suddenly all your money is gone and you’re screwed.

Witty Things

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?’
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if i’m leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child…eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said “Cut it out!”
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think “Hey, maybe I wrote that.”
I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)…. and says, “Here, you can go.”
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air condition the other way around,and it got cold out. The weatherman said, “I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.” I said “Oops…”
I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street and……………..oohh, that’s much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.